Unravelling Parental Gaslighting: A Therapist's Guide to Set Yourself Free

[00:00:00] Welcome back to A Slice of Life. This is the Anxiety Master podcast, here to help you live a calm, strong, and confident life. I'm Dominic Decker, a registered therapist and the creator of Anxiety Master. Today, we're talking about a delicate and complex topic, gaslighting. Specifically, parental gaslighting, a subtle form of emotional manipulation between parents and their children that erodes trust and confidence.

We'll explore the characteristics, causes and consequences of parental gaslighting along with a tried and tested practical method to help you manage, move beyond and restore your well being in the face of parental abusive behaviour. Fortunately, today's topic won't be directly relevant to many listeners.

However, many of the principles and ideas I'll discuss are applicable gaslighting from those we may want to rely upon and trust. So, I hope there's something of general interest in here to you, [00:01:00] and of course, remember to share this content with anyone who may find it helpful. So, to begin, unravelling the intricacies of parental gaslighting.

Well, have you ever had your confidence and trust in yourself and others abruptly shaken? Perhaps a time when you're unfairly blamed, or a close friend questions your honesty. Or a trusted ally appears indifferent when you're clearly upset. When you feel betrayed by someone you never dreamed would let you down.

Incidents like these can be unsettling, fostering self doubt and undermining belief in yourself and others. Your circumstances become even more tangled when the source of distress derives from precisely the people you'd most hope to rely upon for dependable care and support. In many cases, this means your parents.

Parental Gaslighting pitches you an unnerving curveball to test your instincts and emotional ability to step back and gain a clear-eyed perspective on how and when manipulative behaviour is embedded [00:02:00] into the parent-child relationship. We all have an intrinsic understanding of our parents' profound influence on our psychological development, worldview and sense of identity.

So when parental manipulation sparks doubt and self-scrutiny, it can ignite a disturbing conflict that strikes at the heart of who we are. So we want to cover a comprehensive overview of parental gaslighting, along with a tried and tested method to immunise and heal yourself from avoidable parental harm.

So first, we'll cover the lowdown on parental gaslighting, understanding what it is, unpacking it, and why it occurs. Recognising the key indicators and also coming to understand some of the pervasive consequences, the ripple effect of parental gaslighting. And then we'll look at it through the personal lens of one man's journey to overcome his mother's gaslighting.

And then, after exploring these complex dynamics, you'll want to equip yourself with tools to navigate and heal from this form of manipulation. As a [00:03:00] mental health professional with years of experience in therapeutic work, I've developed the STAR model to help individuals confront and transcend the turmoil of parental gaslighting.

By recognizing the signs of parental gaslighting and actively working to rebuild your composure and confidence, this method will empower you to regain control and heal from the emotional wounds inflicted by parental abuse. So now let's take a closer look to understand parental gaslighting. Gaslighting is a technique of psychological manipulation.

Its purpose is to sow doubt in a victim, causing them to question their memory, perception or sanity. This deceptive tactic uses denial, diversion, contradiction and misinformation to unsettle victims and invalidate their beliefs. The term gaslighting originates from the 1938 play and later film Gaslight, where a man manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity in order to keep her captive.[00:04:00]

Parental gaslighting adopts various forms. Parents may either unintentionally or intentionally gaslight their children in several ways. All these include denial of reality. A parent might refute an event that the child distinctly remembers. For instance, a child might recall their parent shouting angrily at them.

The parent might then respond, I never raised my voice. You're remembering things wrong. It could be dismissal of emotions. Or parents may downplay or disregard their child's emotions. If a child is upset and expresses their feelings, they might be accused of being overly dramatic. Then we have invalidation.

A parent might negate a child's perspective. I may insist the child is mistaken about their perception of an event, eroding their confidence in their judgment. Then we have shifting of blame. Parents may project their inappropriate behavior onto their child. They might say, I wouldn't have to raise my voice if you'd just listen to me the first time.[00:05:00]

And then we have trivializing. Parents may have belittled a child's experience or accomplishments, making offhand comments such as, well anyone could have made that team. So why does this occur? Parental gaslighting can be attributed to various causes stemming from the parent's emotional complexities, psychological well being, and upbringing.

Well, here are some potential factors that lead parents to gaslight. Desire for control. Gaslighting is often a means to exert control over another person. So a parent might employ gaslighting techniques to manipulate their child's behaviour or maintain relationship authority. It could be unresolved trauma, or parents grappling with unresolved traumas or psychological challenges might unconsciously gaslight their child as a coping mechanism, projecting their fears, insecurities, or beliefs onto the child.

Next is narcissism, or parents with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality [00:06:00] disorder often resort to gaslighting their children to bolster their superiority and maintain their self-image. Perhaps the parent has a fragile self-perception. They might belittle, dismiss, or dispute their child's experiences or emotions to reinforce their self-perception.

Insecurity. Some parents, driven by their own insecurities or feelings of inadequacy, might gaslight their children to hide their perceived failures, manipulating their children's perception of reality. Then we have an Emotional Intelligence Deficit, or parents lacking emotional intelligence. In other words, the ability to recognize and comprehend their own emotions and those of others.

might inadvertently gaslight their children. They may dismiss or invalidate their children's feelings because they fail to understand them. We also have cultural or societal factors. Certain cultural norms and societal beliefs can contribute to parental gaslighting. For instance, in cultures where parents are viewed [00:07:00] as faultless.

Any challenge to this notion can trigger gaslighting behaviours as a self defence mechanism. And we also have a cycle of abuse, which is where parents, who are victims of gaslighting or other psychological manipulation during their own upbringing, may perpetuate this behaviour with their children, creating a vicious cycle of abuse.

So these factors may contribute to a parent's propensity to gaslight, but of course, they don't excuse or justify the behaviour. Because gaslighting inflicts severe emotional and psychological damage on a child and is considered a form of abuse. So, what are some of the key indicators of parental gaslighting?

Because detecting parental gaslighting can be akin to trying to see the wind. You can't see it directly, but you can observe its effects. Especially when the manipulation is subtle or deeply woven into the parent-child interaction. It's a challenging task to identify it. However, your vigilance to show signs can [00:08:00] unveil this form of manipulation.

Well, here are some potential signals. Denial of past events. So imagine a child, now an adult, confronting their parent about hurtful words uttered in the past. But instead of acknowledging this, the parent refutes it, insisting, I never said anything like that. We also have discrediting emotions. It could be as simple, yet as damaging, as the parent invalidating the child's feelings with remarks like, You're too sensitive, and gradually causing the child to mistrust their emotional responses.

Blameshifting, or picture a scenario where a parent turns their emotions into the child's responsibility. Well, I wouldn't have lost my temper if you'd just done what you were told. Distorting reality, a parent might insist that their perspective is the only valid one, subtly causing the child to doubt their perceptions.

And undermining confidence, a consistent stream of criticism or belittlement can slowly erode a child's confidence. [00:09:00] leading to self-esteem issues and a skewed perception of their own self-worth. Confusion and self-doubt. If the child often feels baffled or frequently doubts their memory, sanity, or perception more than usual, it could be a red flag pointing to gaslighting.

Trivialising achievements. Remember the school recital where the child did their best, but the parent merely remarked That was nothing special. Inducing guilt. A gaslighting parent might make a child feel guilty for their everyday actions or emotions. Expressing happiness or pursuing personal interests might be framed as selfishness.

And we have emotional neglect. Withholding affection or emotional support can also be a manipulation tactic. The parent may use love and approval as a reward, or withhold care and support as punishment, thereby destabilizing the child's emotional world. So let's move on now to talk about the ripple effect of parental gaslighting and [00:10:00] some of its pervasive consequences.

Or, like a stone dropped in a calm pond, parental gaslighting creates ripples that extend far and wide, profoundly impacting an individual at their epicentre. The effects can be profound, enduring, and sometimes unseen, influencing a person's perception of themselves and their interactions with the world around them.

And while potent, these effects vary based on the duration and intensity of the gas lighting. The child's personality and resilience, and whether there are additional relationships they can rely upon for support. But here are some typical consequences of parental gaslighting. We have eroded self-esteem and self-worth.

Or sowing doubt, dismissing experiences and belittling can whittle a child's self-confidence. They might grow into adults who question their worth and feel undeserving of love and respect. Now it's important to remember that these feelings are the scars of gaslighting, not the truth of who you are.[00:11:00]

Another potential consequence is anxiety and depression. Well, the emotional turmoil and chronic stress that come with gaslighting can give rise to a host of different mental health issues. Yet, with professional support, these conditions are treatable and it's possible to regain emotional equilibrium.

Next, we have trust issues. Well, experiencing manipulation by a trusted figure can engender a pervasive distrust towards others. It can create hurdles in forming healthy relationships. Yet, with time and support, trust can be rebuilt. Confusion and self-doubt. Well, gaslighting can lead children to question their memory, judgement and perception of reality, fostering confusion and self-doubt.

Yet, you can learn to regain clarity and assurance. Also, a child whose feelings are consistently dismissed may learn to suppress their emotions or fear of expressing them. Over time, this can hamper their ability to communicate and [00:12:00] emotionally connect with others. Yet, learning to express feelings safely Gaslighting is a critical part of the healing process.

Gaslighting can also shake a child's trust in their judgment, making decisions difficult in adulthood. Developing this confidence, the confidence that they need in decision-making, can be a focus of therapeutic work. A child who internalizes blame for a parent's actions might develop pervasive guilt.

They may feel responsible for resolving conflicts or appeasing the parent. Addressing this misplaced guilt is crucial in therapy. As adults, individuals subjected to gaslighting may struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships. They might tolerate abusive behaviours or mimic the manipulative patterns they experienced growing up.

And lastly, post-traumatic stress, because in severe cases, the child may manifest symptoms of PTSD, such as flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety. Yet again, to offer a dash of hope, [00:13:00] PTSD, while challenging, is treatable. And recovery is entirely possible with the right help. So, what I want to say here is that while the repercussions of parental gaslighting can be significant, they needn't permanently scar one's identity or dictate one's future.

Every individual possesses an inherent resilience that can be ignited to heal, grow, and transcend adversities. I'd like to share with you one man's journey with a gaslighting mother. We're going to call this man David, who's a 36-year-old accountant from London, who approached me with a problem rooted in his early life.

You see, his bond with his mother had always been a complex knot of tension, compounded by the fact he was an only child. Without a father or siblings to distribute the emotional load, he described a sense of single-handedly shouldering the weight of his mother's discontent and high expectations. As an adult, David tried distancing himself from what [00:14:00] often appeared a complex imposition, being his mother's main confidant and chief foundation for support.

Yet he grappled with the burden of being a good son. All the while fearing his mother's disappointment should he prove unable to offer the love and attention she felt was due. David explained that, from his perspective, his mother demanded love without ever taking what he considered as affirmative steps to earn it.

To him, these steps would have meant her showing consistent and predictable behaviour, recognising his struggles, and taking time to understand him. It would have meant providing empathetic support that wasn't conditional or laden with expectations. For example, help that didn't hinge on him adhering to her exacting standards or attempting to fulfil her unmet needs.

Instead, she had treated love and attention as her right, not a gift she needed to reciprocate or foster with nurturing behaviour. And consequently, David was a regular recipient of unpredictable treatment and [00:15:00] betrayals of trust that his mother would attribute to his own behaviour. The crux of the issue likely lay with his mother's discontent, her loneliness, and lack of mental steadiness.

and a host of unfulfilled life aspirations. As a result, she harboured deep resentments and sensitivities that dominated her attention, a shadow that cast significant blind spots regarding her role as a parent and carer. Unsurprisingly, David didn't feel his mother was invested in his well-being. He could only count on her to offload her stress onto him, positioning him as the problem solver or fixer.

In her narrative, if only he did things differently, her life would be better. David began to sense something was amiss as a child, yet he was reluctant to accept it. It felt easier and safer, to see himself as the problem and his mother as the voice of reason. Again, this is unsurprising. After all, children yearn for someone wiser and more capable [00:16:00] to provide a protective and comforting presence.

So David had set aside his doubts about his mother, in a desperate desire to believe she was right. And that she could be relied upon to be a stable, loving, and shielding influence in his life. Yet as he transitioned from child to young adult, and later to a husband and father, his mother's behavior became intolerable.

Looking back across his life's landscape, it was clear how her demands, expectations, harsh criticisms, and unpredictable behavior had jeopardized his mental health. His mother's gaslighting tendencies led to a complex web of emotional challenges. A voice of blame and criticism had woven its way into his internal narrative.

Now, as an adult, he would often question his decision making abilities, or seek excess affirmation and reassurance, assume love was contingent on his performance, doubt the legitimacy of his own emotions, and lower his expectations to protect [00:17:00] himself against potential rejection or disappointment. It was at a critical point in his life that David contacted me.

During a particularly vulnerable period, his wife had undergone several consecutive miscarriages and various health issues were plaguing his daily life. David had received a deeply hurtful audio message from his mother. Brimming with criticism and pointed accusations that arrived out of the blue, David described feeling deeply shaken by the message.

It contrasted with the pleasant conversation that they had shared just days prior, adding to his confusion and distress. David reached a turning point after enduring years of his mother's harmful interactions. No longer willing to tolerate this unpredictable and precarious relationship, he sought a structured approach to healing, determined to move beyond the emotional scars.

Recognising the complexity of his emotional challenges and the need for a tailored solution, we devised and refined the STAR model. This tool, [00:18:00] designed specifically to identify, handle and move beyond the distressing experience of parental gaslighting, provided David with a clear path to regain control and rebuild his self-confidence.

While the model was developed to address parental gaslighting, it's equally applicable to instances of gaslighting from those we may want to rely upon and trust. The STAR model has five stages. Stop, this is to put an end to the cycle. Tame, foster inner resilience. Affirm, adopt self compassion. Rally, build a support network.

And finally, reach out. Become the help you need. Whether tackling individual episodes of gaslighting or readying to leave a history of abuse behind, these steps will equip you to regain balance and move forward. Step one, stop. This is about putting a definitive stand to the end of the cycle. As ships don't sink because of the water [00:19:00] around them, ships sink because of the water that gets into them.

So this first step of the STAR model, STOP, is a crucial action that represents your resolute stance against inappropriate and abusive gaslighting. From a child's perspective, gaslighting betrays a primary caregiver's nurturing, supporting and protecting role. If parents fall short in these areas Their fault is not yours and recognizing this you must raise your defenses and firmly declare stop.

You may envision a bold red traffic sign up in your mind signaling you to halt as soon as you encounter hurtful narratives like you always or you never or you let me down. Counter these internally with a resolute stop. You're no longer required to analyze or understand these criticisms if they don't stand up to honest scrutiny.

You can discard them. So with this first step of stop, here's a question to [00:20:00] consider. How will you recognize when to say stop to protect your wellbeing? With this firm commitment in place, you're ready to become your own emotional anchor leading us to the second step of our star model. Step two, tame is about nurturing inner resilience.

Power without wisdom is tyranny, but wisdom without power is pointless. So once you've determined to resist parental gaslighting, it's time to take control over how you talk to yourself. TAME signals an end to rerunning toxic conversations and trying to disentangle complex parental behaviours that don't belong to you.

Instead, your focus is cultivating an inner voice of support and encouragement, even if it feels like starting from scratch. A consistent, predictable voice of reason may have been absent for adults confronting long-standing parental gaslighting. As a result, a [00:21:00] model for a kind and reassuring inner dialogue may be sketchy.

So we want to have a model for what a kind and supportive inner voice may sound like. Well, first it will be affirmative. A kind and supportive inner voice reinforces your self-worth and morale. It uses affirming language that highlights your capabilities, achievements and strengths. Such as, I can do this.

Or, I am capable. Or, I have overcome challenges before and I can do it again. A kind and supportive inner voice is compassionate. It's an inner voice that seeks to understand your feelings and emotions, especially during hard times. It's gentle and non-judgmental, offering comfort such as it's okay to feel like this or everyone has tough days.

A kind and supportive inner voice is optimistic. It helps you to maintain a hopeful outlook on life. It reminds you that hardships are temporary and encourages resilience and [00:22:00] perseverance, with thoughts like, This too shall pass, or Every setback is a setup for a comeback. A kind and supportive inner voice will be rational.

It will be realistic, yet enable you to acknowledge your mistakes or shortcomings without excessive self criticism. Instead of saying, I always mess up, it might suggest, I made a mistake, but I can learn from it. A kind, supportive inner voice will be motivated. It's an inner voice that helps spur you on to action and encourages personal growth.

It inspires and motivates you to move forward, offering statements like, Let's try again, or What's the next step I can take? Each characteristic fosters a nurturing, kind and supportive inner dialogue which can be instrumental in overcoming the effects of parental gaslighting. Instead of responding to the distress of parental gaslighting, Learn to Tame is about gaining control over your emotional voice [00:23:00] rather than letting it dictate your actions.

Now this is particularly challenging when dealing with parental interactions, as parents often know our emotional triggers. However, remaining rational, calm and objective is crucial when confronting parental gaslighting. Although emotions can be a reliable barometer of our internal state, they shouldn't be the sole determinant of our decisions.

Uncontrolled emotions can steer you towards unregulated behaviour, such as excessive drinking or overspending, or impulsive actions, creating new problems of their own. So the TAME step involves acknowledging your feelings while managing your response. Your emotions inform you, but they don't have to control you.

So with the Step 2 of TAME, here's a question to consider. How will you retain a measured and balanced inner dialogue during and after gaslighting? This paves the way for the third step in our STAR model. The third step in the [00:24:00] STAR model is a firm and action centred around embracing self-compassion. And you may have been criticising yourself for years.

And it hasn't worked, so now let's try a proving of yourself and see what happens. Recognising your humanity and acknowledging that life is replete with highs and lows, success and failures, is pivotal at this stage. But when dealing with erratic parents, we need to modify our expectations. Life is everyone's first attempt and unfortunately, not all parents do an adequate job of it.

In these instances, we have to extend understanding and compassion towards ourselves. Now, practising self love is an ambiguous concept, so a helpful strategy can be to ask, If I met that younger version of myself in this situation, what acts of love, kindness and empathy would I extend to them? Or, how would I support a friend going through a similar situation?[00:25:00]

Imagine the nurturing and protective energy that such a friend embodies. When encountering negativity from a toxic person, reflect on what you might need to establish emotional distance and reduce the intensity of your feelings. This could be taking a moment to breathe and lean into your feelings, and not to be consumed by upset, but to recognize and acknowledge the impact of toxic behavior and your desire to overturn it.

Equally, you might seek to spend time in a serene environment. or engage in physical activity, or spend time with a trusted companion, or write a reassuring note to contradict the content of parental gaslighting. It's often about crafting a mixture of these self soothing strategies that resonate personally with you.

The goal is to engage in acts that acknowledge and honour the impact of your experiences, no matter how fleeting. So here's a question to consider. What self soothing techniques resonate with you, and how could you [00:26:00] integrate them into your daily routine for self-support? With that, we move towards the fourth step of the style model.

This is to rally, to cultivate a supportive network. In the words of Emerson, the only reward of virtue is virtue. The only way to have a friend is to be one. So this fourth step in the rally style model underscores the significance of surrounding yourself with a supportive, affirming social network.

Engaging with those who love you, have faith in you, and lift your spirits is crucial. The impact of our immediate companions on our habits, beliefs, and expectations can't be understated. They shape our behaviour, self-worth perception, and vision of what's achievable. Surrounding yourself with understanding and validating friends can counterbalance the detrimental effects of parental gaslighting.

These individuals can validate your feelings and experiences, foster your self assurance, and spur [00:27:00] personal development. They offer an alternative viewpoint, questioning the damaging narratives imposed by gaslighting, and reinforcing your sense of reality and self. Conscious efforts to seek out and nurture relationships with supporting individuals are vital to building such a network.

This network could include friends who respect and value you, or mentors who inspire you, or a therapist who provide professional advice. It may also involve participation in online or offline support communities that bring together people with shared experiences. In essence, this step is about creating a nurturing environment that reinforces your worth and potential, in contrast to the toxic environment you aim to overcome.

It's an essential step in combating gaslighting and reclaiming your identity, and this prepares you for the final phase of the STAR model. So before this, here's a question to consider. Think about who uplifts you, and how will you extend these relationships [00:28:00] as a buffer against gaslighting. And now we move to step five, which is to reach out, and perhaps even be the support you need.

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. So, this step in the model of reaching out advocates for the courageous and liberating act of becoming the supportive figure for others that you've needed. There may be times when the emotional support we need seems scarce. And during such moments, rallying oneself and reaching out can seem arduous.

Still, it can also present an opportunity for growth and empowerment. Drawing inspiration from the saying, To have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. This step encourages us to extend a hand to others, providing them with the empathy, understanding and support we may have yearned for. This isn't about ignoring our struggles or exhausting ourselves to help others.

Instead, it's about validating our strength, [00:29:00] competence, and resilience by aiding others. Supporting others often leads us to discover the best within ourselves. Enlightening the way for other people, we also illuminate our own path. So this step underscores our ability to cope and offer the empathy and kindness we've longed for, emphasizing our worthiness and resilience.

It's a potent method of showing ourselves that despite the gaslighting we've endured we can overcome it and be a beacon of strength and support for those around us. So a final question to consider. On reaching out, how can you extend your empathy and understanding to others and demonstrate your capacity to rise above the gaslighting you've experienced?

I hope there's been something of interest and reassurance in today's episode. Just to briefly sum up the STAR model, so to navigate challenging or even toxic situations, remember these steps of the STAR model. Stop the internalization of damaging narratives. [00:30:00] Tame your emotions, affirm yourself through acts of self compassion, rally by surrounding yourself with positive influences, and reach out by becoming the support for others that you desire.

Each stage in this model is a building block to help you construct a healthier self-perception away from the harmful narratives you may have been taught to believe. Addressing the impact of parental gaslighting represents a complex process requiring understanding the nuances of your own experiences and emotions.

While the STAR model offers a structured path toward healing for parental gaslighting, it's vital to recognize that the journey may present challenges and obstacles. Implementing these steps requires stepping away from many things that you may have become used to. It requires courage, self-awareness and persistence.

You may encounter internal and external resistance as you strive to break free from ingrained patterns and build [00:31:00] new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. It's normal to feel overwhelmed or uncertain at times. Remember, healing is a process, not an event, and it's okay to seek professional guidance or lean on supportive friends and family as you navigate this complex terrain.

The style model is a guide, but your personal path may require personalized adjustments and continuous self-reflection. And if nothing else, I'd like to say this to you. You are deserving of love, support, and encouragement. You are worthy. Take care, I'll see you soon.[00:32:00]